Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve

by Marian Schembari on June 21, 2010

I have developed a love/hate relationship with Facebook. The hate stems from the fact that I’m really annoyed with the service at the moment… Mostly because my “interests” included “my muffin” (Desi), “pretty journals”, and a number of other random odds and ends that don’t really have a designated page so they have since been deleted. Plus, Mark Zuckerberg is an ass hat.

That aside, my loving and dear relationship with Facebook is way more personal. A relationship I’ve been struggling over addressing as it’s not my issue. This post has taken me over a month to write properly because there is no good way to blog about the death of a friend.

The Story

A little over a month ago I get a call from one of my oldest friends, Nicky. Dialogue is easier in this instance so here it goes:

Nicky: Have you seen Niki P’s Facebook profile?

Me: Um… Hi! What’s up?

Nicky: No, seriously. Have you seen it?

Me: No.

Nicky: I think we lost him.

Me: What do you mean lost him?

Nicky: Marian, I think he’s dead.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about? That’s ridiculous.

I then proceeded to look up Niki, the brother of my childhood best friend, Thana. His Facebook wall was littered with “RIP, bro’s” and “I miss you’s”. Then I Googled him. Nothing. No news, no explanation of what the hell had happened to this boy I’d known since he was five.

To be honest, I initially thought it was a joke. A sick joke, but this was a first for me. I couldn’t reach Thana, but her Facebook wall looked similar to her brothers. Lots of “you’re in my prayers” and “so sorry for your loss.”

Really? REALLY? Did I just find out that my best friend’s brother was dead through Facebook?

I got a text from Thana later that day confirming it was not, in fact, a joke. I still had no idea what happened but my friend was busy and most likely screwed up out of her mind, so the internet was the only connection to what is now one of the saddest days of my life.

Thana is a wonderful person and the two of us were attached at the hip as children. She moved to Croatia at 13 and we continued to be best friends, regardless of the distance. The problem with her Croatia location is that I can’t be there for her. One of my oldest and dearest friends is halfway across the world and I can’t do anything about it. So I used Facebook.

Niki and Thana Pavelic

The Love/Hate Relationship

Facebook. The brunt of many jokes; the confirmation that you are indeed “friends” or “in a relationship” with someone. A defining element of our generation. The website that can prevent you from getting a job (or get a you a job). The one presence in our lives that made privacy, well, totally optional.

I always saw Facebook as a necessary evil, but a month ago it became my comfort. The one thing I had of my friends that made me part of their grief instead of separated from it.

Finally, Google told me Niki died in a car/motorcycle accident, but I continued to stalk his Facebook profile. Friends started to write stories about him on his wall. One friend created a memorial video. Someone started a group that in a month has 490 members. People submitted photos and videos to a dedicated album.

Niki’s memorial service was in California, where he went to school. I unfortunately couldn’t be there, but Thana posted her father’s eulogy as a note on her profile.

Facebook may be a silliness attributed to our generation, but I realize now it has completely altered it. Facebook has, importantly, changed the way we grieve. It’s made it better. Easier. Well, as easy as grief can be.

—–

Is it just me, or have you experienced anything like this too? Stories of Facebook as more than just a frivolous social tool? And my weird curiosity has me wondering, what happens to someone’s profile when they die?

Tagged as: facebook, friends, personal

Marian Schembari
{latest post} Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://twitter.com/briannevillano/status/16693542337 Brianne E Villano
RT @marianschembari: {latest post} Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://twitter.com/darrengmiller/status/16696054278 Darren Miller
RT @marianschembari: {latest post} Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://twitter.com/alexisgrant/status/16696567893 Alexis Grant
Personal story hits home. RT @marianschembari: Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://www.briannevillano.com/ BrianneVillano
I wasn't going to comment because a) I'm a bit emotional now and b) I don't want to undermine your grief in any way by talking about my own. But you asked and I will answer.
I do agree with you. When I moved away from the home I'd known for most of my life, the loneliness from missing my friends was horrible. I knew in my heart I needed a change, but I still missed them terribly.
About 4 months after I left, I get a call from my Little (Tau Beta Sigma) to tell me that one of our Sisters had seizure and is in the hospital. She's in a coma and they have no hope that she'll wake up.
On one hand, I wanted to leave and fly up to be with my friends and hold them and see her and say goodbye and on the other, it could be weeks, months, or years until she finally took her last breath on her own and I'm a coward and didn't want to face that agony.
Just a week later, Nikki died in the hospital. Her immediate family were the only ones there and I'm glad that they were. I regret not going when I had the chance.
A Facebook notification let me know that she had passed. We formed a group for her as a memorial and continue to post stories about her or jokes that remind us of her sense of humor, three years later. It's still surreal, but it helps significantly to know that even though my life is elsewhere, my heart can still easily find its way back home.
http://www.domesticsluttery.com Sian
A couple of weeks ago, I found out via Facebook that an old friend of mine had passed away. Nothing can prepare you for seeing that in black and white, staring at you on a screen. It was horrible. I was physically sick when I read that, and still haven't quite got over it. I wish I'd found out through a friend. It's stuff like that that reminds me just how impersonally social networking can be.
Sharing grief and being supportive is one thing, but I still think we overshare so much on Facebook. Just the very sad act of ending a relationship needs to be done in public, that makes me feel uneasy.
http://marianlibrarian.com Marian Schembari
Do I wish I had heard about Niki directly from my friend? Of course. Do I wish I could have gone to California for his memorial service? Of course. But Thana had other things to worry about and I couldn't get to CA in time. Facebook can in no way replace physical presence (for anything – relationships included), but for me and all of Niki's friends who may not have been able to fly across the world/country, FB has been the next best thing.
I know what you mean about feeling physically sick, but the connection and support on FB since Niki's death has been so incredible and inspiring. It's changed how I feel about FB's “impersonal” thing.
http://marianlibrarian.com Marian Schembari
Sharing stories like this don't undermine grief, at least not in my opinion. I asked because this is my first major loss and I don't know if it's just with Niki, or if Facebook has changed death for our generation.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, though it seems like both our Niki's were incredibly loved. It's funny how three years later and things are still being shared on FB in memory of your friend. I was baffled to see that people still post on my Niki's wall almost 2 months after the fact. The internet really has made it possible for everyday people to live on!
http://twitter.com/alexisgrant Alexis Grant
Oh man, I'm so sorry. But I like how you reflected on this story. I think you'll learn another interesting, cool thing about FB in the coming months: it helps that person live on. Kind of in a strange, uncomfortable way, but mostly in a good way. A friend of my family passed away a year ago, and people still write on her wall, including her sister. She often pops up in my sidebar, with her photo, as someone FB thinks I should get back in touch with. And every time I think, I bet a lot of people would love to do that.
http://lifeforward.onsugar.com/ Shayna
I recall reading recently (perhaps 6 months ago?) that Facebook had a policy that once it had the person's death verified (via announcement), and no reply from e-mails to their account, they would 'lock' it in place – no more new friends, but a place for friends/family already added to memorialize…
http://carolinebookbinder.blogspot.com/ Carin
I found out through Facebook that an occasional friend who had dropped off the planet for a while had an excellent excuse – she had lost a leg. She reappeared on Facebook with a posting that she was training for some Paratriathlon, and then there were pictures and yep, she’s got a prosthetic leg. Wow! (And yes I know definitely she didn’t have that before.) Not quite the same, but still a shocking bit of news to get in a pretty impersonal way.
http://twitter.com/dbsalk David B. Salkover
I know some will disagree with me, but I feel Facebook is NOT the forum to memorialize or grieve for a loved one. Sending a one-on-one note to make someone aware of the passing of a mutual friend… that makes sense. But to broadcast the death on a wall seems impersonal, in my opinion. Facebook for me is a fun diversion (I have a similar love/hate relationship), not a place where I go for deep thoughts. If I'm looking for sympathy, empathy, prayers, etc., I think there are other more appropriate forums. And those forums don't necessarily involve the internet.
http://twitter.com/UrbanMuseWriter Susan Johnston
First off, Marian, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I had a similar experience when my father died two years ago. I posted a status update almost immediately so that people would know why I was MIA and so that I wouldn't have to tell the story a bazillion times like my Mom did when she called everyone they knew. Some people thought it was a tacky way to announce a death, but you know what? He was my Dad, so I get to dictate how I share that information with the world.
I was sorry that the information hadn't reached my brother yet and some of our mutual friends called him after seeing the update my wall (he knew that Dad was in the hospital, but no one would come out and tell him “your father is dead”). Uh, yeah, that was lame. My bad. But eventually he understood why I did it, and he posted the eulogy we wrote together as sort of a digital tribute to Dad. And the outpouring of support and condolescences was really nice. I'm not sure at the time that I could have dealt with that many people in real life.
http://marianlibrarian.com Marian Schembari
Tacky smacky. Though, I do feel bad for your brother… I have to say, it's not the most pleasant way to find out about something horrible like that. That said, I totally understand why you (and my friend) did it. I didn't actually speak to Thana until almost 2 weeks after the accident. The last thing she needed (I'm assuming) is 500 people breathing down her neck. At one point she updated her status to say: “I don't have the strength to write to everyone individually, so I just wanted to thank all of my friends and family for giving me love and support.”
I'm sorry about your dad and I can't even imagine having to deal with all those people when all you want is to just… be. I like the memorializing aspect of it though, I really appreciate you sharing this story.
http://marianlibrarian.com Marian Schembari
Times have changed, for better or worse, I guess. While some people might find something like FB insincere for this type of thing, this is the first person my age that's died and so this is kind of all I know. And I like it (in a weird way). I like what Susan said above, that sometimes when someone close to you dies the last thing you want to do is deal with all those people. I think social media can make it easy for us who can't be there and easy for those directly affected by letting us feel part of their loss without burdening them.
http://marianlibrarian.com Marian Schembari
Whoa, that's really interesting, I had no idea! Interesting that someone's profile can just stay up… indefinitely… so people can feel better by posting on their wall. The internet really has changed the world.
http://marianlibrarian.com Marian Schembari
I think that's such a good point, Lexi. People are still writing all over Niki's wall and contributing photos to that group and uploading videos and making their profile pictures pictures of him. There's so much more I know about Niki now that he's gone, and that's thanks to complete strangers sharing funny stories about the guy on his FB wall. But then of course there's the fact that every time I go on Facebook I get teary-eyed and depressed, but I wouldn't change that for anything.
http://twitter.com/marianschembari/status/16724321881 Marian Schembari
Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
Katgordon
Marian, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Your post's final question is one that Time magazine tackled in an article last fall:
http://bit.ly/4f1ia7
http://twitter.com/MarianSchembari/status/16724321881 Katherine M. Gordon
RT @marianschembari: Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://twitter.com/brandranter/status/16724883877 Sean Duffy
Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh RT @marianschembari
http://twitter.com/brandranter/status/16724883877 Sean Duffy
Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh RT @marianschembari
http://twitter.com/danblank/status/16724900685 Dan Blank
RT @marianschembari: Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://higheredcareercoach.com Sean Cook
I worked in higher ed for just over 15 years and saw this play out several times. I agree it has become a way to help people grieve and remember. I reconnected with old friends through Facebook around my 20th HS reunion. I had several communications back and forth with one friend and felt I was really getting to know her again. We weren’t in regular contact, but on and off. I was happy to reconnect. Then I found out on Facebook that she died. Some other friends suggested planning a 5k race to raise money for Ovarian Cancer (this was what took her) and to do a butterfly release to raise scholarship funds for her daughter. I helped and it was great to reconnect wiht friends. My thought is that Facebook is only as useful as you make it. If you use it to put out a personality profile or create some “myth of self” it’s unreal. If you connect with people (new and old) around common interests, it’s a real connecting point.
http://higheredcareercoach.com Sean Cook
I worked in higher ed for just over 15 years and saw this play out several times. I agree it has become a way to help people grieve and remember. I reconnected with old friends through Facebook around my 20th HS reunion. I had several communications back and forth with one friend and felt I was really getting to know her again. We weren't in regular contact, but on and off. I was happy to reconnect. Then I found out on Facebook that she died. Some other friends suggested planning a 5k race to raise money for Ovarian Cancer (this was what took her) and to do a butterfly release to raise scholarship funds for her daughter. I helped and it was great to reconnect wiht friends. My thought is that Facebook is only as useful as you make it. If you use it to put out a personality profile or create some “myth of self” it's unreal. If you connect with people (new and old) around common interests, it's a real connecting point.
http://carolinebookbinder.blogspot.com/ Carin
I found out through Facebook that an occasional friend who had dropped off the planet for a while had an excellent excuse – she had lost a leg. She reappeared on Facebook with a posting that she was training for some Paratriathlon, and then there were pictures and yep, she's got a prosthetic leg. Wow! (And yes I know definitely she didn't have that before.) Not quite the same, but still a shocking bit of news to get in a pretty impersonal way.
http://lifeforward.onsugar.com/ Shayna
It's strange — and more than a little eerie to have something so informal be the most permanent public memory of you…
http://twitter.com/MarianSchembari/status/16793214811 Melissa Breau
RT @marianschembari: Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://twitter.com/MarianSchembari/status/16793214811 twebman
RT @marianschembari: Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve http://bit.ly/c5k5rh
http://ryanstephensmarketing.com/blog/ ryanstephens
I don't know that I have enough experience with this to make a valuable contribution to this discussion, but I'm really glad you brought it up because I do think it's important.
I think the way in which Facebook (and other social tools) enables us to come together from afar, share stories of lost ones, get up-to-date news, etc. is pretty invaluable. I feel like I was a bit ahead of the curve on this. When we lost loved ones in high school (7-8 years ago now) I usually started a message board where friends and loved ones could share stories of the deceased.
In my experience, and from what others have told me; however, there is a drawback. Sometimes it makes it harder for the family and other really close friends to let go. After an extended period of time they re-visit the page/forum, etc. all the time and almost become haunted by the memories. (Everyone grieves differently, and I do understand and sympathize with that). Also, with people much younger than us I've seen people re-visit the boards after extended periods of time and say stuff like, “X wouldn't have been proud of the way you're acting now,” and things that are completely inappropriate for that particular venue in my opinion.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading your perspective. Was a good change of pace from the normal “social media” stuff.
Nicole
Sort of. And it involved MySpace. My friend died before Facebook became big. The thing with both of these sites are – they never delete your profile. So my friend's myspace profile still exists. And sometimes, if I feel like I really need to talk to him, I send his myspace an e mail. I haven't done it in a very long time (it's been 5 years since he died) but for a while it really helped me deal.
http://twitter.com/mmbizon mmbizon
Hi, Marian. I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend and that you were not able to be with your friends to grieve. I participated in the #u30pro chat last night and thought I'd check out your blog. Little did I know you would address a thought that I had been wrestling with for a few days now. I lost two acquaintances/casual friends this year – one in February and one last month. We had gone to high school together, and I hadn't connected with either of them in years, but we were still Facebook friends. I found out about their deaths through Facebook.
My issue is that Dan (who died last month) keeps popping up in my suggestions box on the right-hand side of my homepage, with Facebook telling me to write on his wall and send him messages. I know there is a delete function next to each suggestion, but I cannot bring myself to “delete” him.
I know this experience pales in comparison to your loss, but I thought I would chime in to let you know this is a pretty widespread experience and that I think many in our generation are grappling with how these technological advances can fit into our grieving processes. Personally, I would liken it to the tradition of visiting a loved one's grave … except now distant acquaintances (or even strangers) can do so at the click of a mouse. I think the implications of this are yet to be revealed, but I want to thank you for bringing up such an important (and seldom addressed) idea.
Alexa Ortega
http://marianlibrarian.com/2010/06/21/facebook-has-changed-the-way-we-grieve/
Kripa
Hi Marian,
I know this is six months out, but I found this entry really touching. I also found out about the death of a dear friend via Facebook. I knew he was ill (brain cancer), but due to my work and all the traveling I do, the latest update I had heard was that he was in remission. A month later I visited his profile to leave him a note about being in his area soon, and all I saw were posts about people’s memories and “RIP” messages. It was something of a mindf**k, honestly. By that time Google was there to help me out, but I didn’t have contact with his friends or family who were local, and Facebook was it…
I’m sorry for your loss.
K

http://marianlibrarian.com Marian Schembari
Doesn’t matter how old it is, I very much appreciate your comment and am sad you can sympathize with the whole thing. It’s weird finding out about something so personal and heart-wrenching from a site that’s kind of seen as impersonal and insincere.
So sorry to hear about your friend, but I do think a little bit of comfort can be taken from the social media aspect of losing someone.
Thanks so much for your comment, Kripa. It’s nice to know people are still reading and relating to this post.

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Dagg
Hi
I live in Croatia and 6 month ago saw for the first time Niki’s sister and your friend, Thana Pavelic singing during her jazz concert here on croatian national TV (HTV). It was reprise of her concert recorded during March 2010. I really was attracted by her talent, cordiality and honesty which she radiated all the way during concert. She obviously enjoyed very much her singing path.
Out of curiosity I decided to google abit about her and spotted sudden break of her activities and concerts. then I unfortunately came to this page, where you explained what happend. I was really saddened by this although I do not know her. Young life full of joy and passion for the music seems to be interrupted by this tragic event.
I hope one day she will find courrage and motivation to continue with her passion and love, jazz signing.
I wish her and all you best luck
warm regards
Dagg
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