Dear So-Called “Writers” on the Internet,
I’m gonna to give it to you straight: You’re driving me crazypants. You’re making my life difficult. I am so. fucking. over Googling Very Important Things like “painting wood laminate” or “how to make the cat stop pooping in the tub” (true story) and having to slog through completely irrelevant and useless articles from eHow and Yahoo! Answers. Your link baiting tricks aren’t making our lives any easier. You’re preventing people from finding websites that actually provide quality content. You’re preventing us from solving life’s Big Problems and learning things about things in the Real World. I shouldn’t have to dig through massive piles of shit also known as Search Engine Optimized Content because you want to increase your page rank.
Exhibit A: One of you recently wrote an article on Social Media Today, Why Community Managers are Like Bacon. You start off with:
In this article, I am going to compare community managers to bacon. I am going to explain the similarities in characteristics between them. Before we begin. Lets identify what bacon and a community manager is in definition.
Then you end with this little gem of a conclusion:
These are my reasons why bacon and community managers are the same. I hope you enjoyed the article.
What the WHAT?
First of all, that’s how I wrote when I was seven before getting told off by my teacher who sternly lectured “show, don’t tell.” Secondly, I know everyone can’t write. Sometimes I’m barely coherent. But the fact that a relatively well-respected site – with the tagline “The world’s best thinkers on social media” – is publishing your garbage makes my blood boil. But because every blogger and their gran loves a metaphor and the word “bacon” features prominently in the headline, this is apparently content GOLD.
And while I’m on the subject of normal people not giving a crap about how they sound online, stop acting illiterate when posting on Facebook. Most of us aren’t Hemingway on this particular social network, but it’s like you actually truly 100% don’t understand how words are formed. Maybe you were drunk? All the time? Is there a disease called getting-plastered-the-second-my-hands-touch-a-keyboard-itis? Perhaps you should see a doctor.
To help refresh your memory…
When Gen X whines that the internet is making us all bad writers, they’re talking about you. When old-school publishers laugh at bloggers who call themselves “journalists” they’re talking about you.
Please. For the love of all that is holy. Shape up.
Hugs and butterfly kisses,