Do you ever feel like you’re just totally not in on something? Ever since I started going to concerts I’ve been writing this list of things that I feel like I should enjoy, but just really, really don’t. Just go with it…
Live concerts – All the hipsters in the world might shoot me, but I have yet to go to a gig that didn’t involve crowds of people, having beer spilled on me and not being able to hear any voices over an off-balance sound system. I adored seeing Mumford & Sons but only because I knew all the words and totally sang over them. Otherwise, the thought of music festivals makes me hyperventilate a little bit. Plus, the photos you take always have a blue tinge to them and generally look like crap:
High heels – Yes, everyone looks good in heels, but I also think very few women know how to actually walk in them. Most ladies sound like rather large horses stomping down the street/hallway/house and they end up taking off said shoes after a few hours anyway. So tell me what exactly is wrong with my comfy Chucks?
Cookie add-ins – Unless you’re a chocolate chip or a very delicious walnut, I don’t want you anywhere near my fucking cookie. This means you macadamia/raisin/dried fruit/coconut/oat/sprinkles/m&ms. GET OUT OF MY COOKIE. YOU ARE RUINING MY DOUGH EXPERIENCE.
Smartphones – I got a hand-me-down iPhone back in August and while it makes my ability to answer work emails from the road infinitely easier and now I know where I’m going all the time, my new instagr.am obsession hasn’t changed my life or anything. I still don’t really understand the hype and would (don’t quote me on this) be perfectly happy going back to my 10 year old Nokia with no camera or predictive text.
Texting – And on that note, I still don’t understand people’s issue with picking up the phone and calling someone. I hate texting. I hate text speak. I hate trying to schedule something in 50 message when it can easily be solved during a 2 minute conversation. I hate staring at my little screen typing and accidentally saying something is “book” instead of “cool”. I hate those little keys. I hate waiting days for a reply. I miss the phone. Does anyone use that thing anymore?
Cat photos – I don’t get them. I don’t really get cats either, but photos of cats doing “cute” things makes me want to die a little. Give me a video of a penguin being tickled any day.
Blue cheese – I once had a blue cheese pizza that blew my freaking mind, but usually? I can take it or leave it. It’s mold and it tastes like mold.
The Beatles – Ha! I’m just kidding. Don’t be absurd.
Seth Godin – Really guys? He writes blog posts that are only a few sentences long and feature regurgitated cliches with slightly better vocabulary. They sound like horoscopes or something you’d find in a fortune cookie, i.e. “Pain is part of work.” Or, “Whenever you start a project, you should have a plan for finishing it.” Really guys? THIS is the guy you call your god?
British humor – Toilet jokes and men dressed up as women. Give me a break. (Note: This does not include Monty Python which, for whatever reason, is genius. See below.)
Wine and cheese – I love wine. And I love me some cheese. But is it just me or does the wine totally overpower the cheese? I can’t taste that lovely medley everyone talks about. I want to drink my wine THEN eat my cheese. Or vice versa. But not together because then they both taste weird. Is it odd that this is my second cheese reference?
Jim Carrey – Okay, so he was epic in Liar, Liar (which I’ve seen 50 million times), but does no one else think he acts like he’s gone of the deep end? He actually scares me a little bit.
Things that are not even remotely overrated:
1. Johnny Depp/Ryan Gosling/Robert Downey Jr
2. Judd Apatow movies
3. Driving fast
5. Monty Python
What else is totally overrated? What’s totally underrated?