Dear Every Single Person Who Likes a Facebook Brand Page,
I apologize in advance for this letter. I’m much more articulate when I write and while I’d love to do this in person, I’m not sure it will come out the way I want.
I love you, you know that. You are my livelihood and make Facebook fun.
But sometimes… how do I say this lightly… you’re, well, a bit of an idiot. I want Facebook brand pages to be a place of fantastic content, competitions, news, promotions, special deals and a fantastic customer service platform.
To make this happen, please note the following:
No, we won’t reduce the price on our 100 year old product because you’re on a budget. Please stop complaining about cost. We didn’t just whack a price on something for fun times. Businesses think this out and you complaining about it every day just makes you look like an ass. And a poor one at that.
No, I can’t just send you free stuff. Stop asking.
I’m sorry the link isn’t working just for you. Have you tried turning your router on and off again?
Yes, please share your marathon fund raising on our page every single day. That will make any company want to sponsor you. And I’m sure the social media manager has the power to give you $5,000 to donate to some obscure charity no one has ever heard of one week before your race.
You are not entitled to anything
We’re not going to give you a free whatever-you-want because something bad happened. You are not entitled to bitch out an entire company/brand. Social media does not replace customer service. You cut yourself while opening a package? That’s a sad story, bro. You want to take your complaints to your ‘network’ because you’re an ‘influencer’? Many pages will take that very, very seriously. (And I do urge you to take advantage of social media if a company is useless at getting back to you.) But that does not mean you get to use Facebook as a platform for your hate rants. One mistake doesn’t mean you have the right to be a complete ass hat.
Recognize that a social media manager may have direct access to customer service, but they. are. not. customer. service. Let me say that again for the cheap seats in the back: SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERS ARE NOT CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGERS. Social complaints go through the escalation process exactly like the ones via phone or email. You may get a quicker response because the social manager fears for her life, but just because it’s a public complaint does not mean you deserve special treatment.
And since you’re in the mood to complain and I’m in the mood to shut you down, stop asking to be ‘removed from our page’. The unlike button is right where the like button is. We didn’t trick you or buy your email or spam your face off. You added us. Remove yourself, asshole. Don’t make me ban you.
While I’m at it, please also respect the below:
- Just because it’s Facebook doesn’t mean you shouldn’t spell words fully and correctly.
- It’s really embarrassing for everyone if you write a personal message to a friend and accidentally post it on your wall.
- Stop writing things like ‘ass munch’ as a poll option.
Love you forever,
aka ‘your friendly neighborhood social manager’