There are so many things I love about the world. I’ve seriously considered becoming any one of the following: pastry chef, park ranger, therapist, life coach, photographer, yoga teacher, interior designer, craft store owner and travel writer.
You’ll notice that none of these things are about the internet.
I’m going to be honest with you. I mostly hate sitting in front of a computer all day. My happiest days have never been on Facebook or playing Candy Crush (but yegods do I love that game.) They’ve been spent crafting or hiking or learning or surrounded by a group of women where we all talk about our feelings.
But being an adult is exhausting. At the end of the day I have no energy left for my own projects. Last week was the first time in a year that I’d written a blog post. I blogged more when I spent eight hours a day planting trees in New Zealand. Now I spend eight hours sitting on my ass. The thing is, blogging feeds my soul and I haven’t paid attention to it for months. And it’s not just the blog that’s suffered. Is my entire creative brain. I can’t remember the last time I trusted myself or an idea.
While I want 2015 to be the year of transformation, I also want to be realistic about it.
Which brings me to my goal: Get comfortable with creativity again.
I’m taking myself back to college and will be learning the things I’ve always wanted to learn, teaching myself to be creative again.
Each month I’ll learn a new skill, talk to people in that industry and immerse myself in the culture of knitting/cooking/park rangering. Part of this is to educate myself on the work that interests me. Do I want to give it all up to go to park ranger school? Or will the simple act of learning and being more creative outside my current daily life help me appreciate it more?
To keep riding the honesty train, I’m nervous I won’t have the energy for it. Or I’ll give up halfway through. Or one-twelfth of the way through. I just know that I need out of this rut – ever since my first job fighting my way through cold calls and strategy docs I didn’t fully get. That’s what led me to this. To blogging and “doing” social media. I thought working for myself made me different. That finding a career on the internet early-on made me successful. It doesn’t. It’s not.
That said, the internet has brought me the majority of my great loves. I’ve met most of my friends online. My husband. YouTube taught me to knit again. Pinterest showed me I have a decent eye for design. I’ve fallen in love with the connections we make. The freedom – sometimes to a fault – to express whatever we damn well please. So it’s clearly not all bad.
But then there’s the industry side of things. The part that scares and exhausts me. I’ve been studying online “formulas” for six years now and, trust me, there is no formula. There are shitty trends and ways to game the system. I don’t know about you but I’m tired of Upworthy headlines and slideshow “lists”. I’m tired of GIF posts and Instagram vignettes of that blogger’s perfect life.
I want honesty. I want a story. It’s what made me fall in love with blogging, but somewhere along the road I lost my way.
I want a life that is full. Of relationships, of new experiences, of challenges, of true creativity. One that this year I hope to find off the internet but share it here, on my little piece of it.
So I’m done blogging about blogging. And yes, maybe marianlibrarian will become one in a sea of lifestyle blogs. Or food. Or design. Or travel. Who knows. You could continue reading. You could not. All I know that 2015 is the year I try. The year I put on all the hats and find the one (or seven) that fits.