friends

How Couchsurfing Changed My Life

by Marian Schembari on November 8, 2011

When I decided to leave Auckland to backpack around Australia and New Zealand, I had $1,000 in my bank account. I knew it would be enough to cover flights, transport and food for my trip, but accommodation? Not so much.

Coincidentally, my flatmate at the time, Kelly, is a couchsurfing expert. She traveled across Europe this way and in London I met quite a few of her old hosts who were in turn staying with her.

But I was still always hesitant about the whole thing.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with couchsurfing, it’s like a mix of Facebook and Craigslist and Meetup rolled into one, with the ultimate goal of finding couches to crash while you travel. Accommodation is free, but don’t confuse this with staying in a hotel. You’re there to befriend your hosts, travel like a local and be actively engaged with the culture around you.

Yes, you stay with strangers. And yes, there is an obvious sketch factor involved. But the couchsurfing team has made it really easy to be safe as long as you take the proper precautions. For example, I only stayed with women or couples. They needed at least a few photos, a completed profile that didn’t make them sound like a crazy person and a minimum of five reviews – all of which had to be positive.

And I am so glad I burst through my comfort zone on this one. I had the BEST time.

In Melbourne, my first hosts were Stephanie and her husband Francois. I stayed in their beautiful suburban house with their dog, Milo. Our first night we sat on the couch talking for hours. I heard the story of how they met (she stayed on his couch four years prior) and the next day we all went out for dinner and I cuddled with the dog.

My next hosts were Rosey and Jason, two epic travelers and seasoned couchsurfers who backpacked across the States. We cooked Thai food together on our first night. On the second night Rosey took me out drinking with her friends from school where she’s getting her PhD in linguistics. I now know heaps about Aboriginal town names in Melbourne.

Then I stayed with single-gal Marina and her Dalmatian Yippie, who we took for a walk on a Melbourne beach to watch the dolphins.

I drank tea with Jess and we talked all night about furniture restoration. At Elisa’s we looked at Australian scrapbooks while her and her fiance told me I absolute must visit Tasmania. Irene and Paul filled me with home cooking every night and told me the best places to see proper Australian theater.

In Sydney I stayed with a friend of a friend named Andrew who wasn’t a couchsurfer but still let me stay in his guest bedroom for a an entire week without complaint. Then my next host Natalie took me out for breakfast and a hike around Bondi Beach where we watched the kites.

I also stayed with Claire and Donna who have been together since they were teenagers and now live in the suburbs, ride motorcycles and have three dogs.

My travels would not have been the same if I hadn’t couchsurfed. I wouldn’t have made these friends, seen these things, heard these stories.

And now that I’m back in Auckland, while can’t host due to a crowded housing situation, I am going to every couchsurfing event there is.

Because couchsurfing isn’t just about couches. If you can’t (or don’t want to) host you can make yourself available for “coffee or a drink”. Plus, each city/country has their own group where people post about roadtripping to some town and does anyone want to go with them? Those message boars are how I hitched my ride from Melbourne to Sydney with the semi-deaf, chain-smoker Elsa.

Using these message boards I snagged a $4 pizza at some underground bar in Melbourne I would never have found otherwise. They’re how I found myself on my first 13km hike outside Sydney with a group of European exchange students.

And now in Auckland I’ve joined a weekly Spanish exchange where I’ve met people from Spain and Mexico and the States and New Zealand. And those people have led to new things like an art tour around K’Rd and the birthday party of a stranger and being able to watch the Rugby World Cup final from the top of one of the tallest buildings in the city.

Basically, it’s changed the way I make friends. Couchsurfing has made me open to different kinds of relationships, to appreciating everyone’s stories. It’s meant I’m never alone in Auckland even though sometimes it can feel that way.

Have any of you tried couchsurfing before? Even if you’re not traveling at the moment, consider opening up your home to people form around the world or even check out happenings in your city to expand your network. If you haven’t – if you’re hesitant – please trust me that it’s the most amazing thing you can do. And if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask!

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Won’t You Pretty Please Be My Friend?

by Marian Schembari on August 18, 2011

No one ever warned me making friends was so damn hard.

Throughout the years upon years you’re at school, you have an always constant group of ready-made friends. I wasn’t particularly popular (or well-liked for that matter) in high school, but it was relatively simple to meet people and there a handful of gems I met during my early years who I continue to keep in touch with.

College is the same. The girls I met and lived with at Davidson are my lady soul mates, but we obviously never would have met were it not for college.

When I studied abroad, the guys and girls in my small program became instant friends, both by circumstance and a combined love of travel and London. We still talk to this day.

But the two years since graduating I’ve made maybe one or two new, good friends. The rest have been one-off coffees with Twitter followers or the occasional blog meetup.

Why is it so freaking hard to meet people?

No, wait. It’s NOT hard to meet people. I just had two back-to-back blind coffee dates with friends of friends and have two next week with people I know through social media.

It’s not hard to meet people, it’s just hard to meet them TWICE.

It’s Not You (Auckland), It’s Me

My biggest gripe about Auckland was that people tend to have a group of friends they met in high school and have no desire to expand that circle or get to know anyone new.

In the past week that I’ve been in Melbourne, I’ve been more social, met more people and felt more connected than in the eight months I lived in New Zealand. But instead of blaming Auckland (like I usually do), I realized I was judging too quickly and hadn’t put enough pressure on myself while in NZ. Granted, I still think Kiwis are hard to get to know, but so are a lot of people. One complaint I hear a lot from the friends I stay in touch with back home is meeting people. It has nothing to do with location. It has everything to do with comfort level.

Right now, I’m entirely alone. I just left everything. This trip isn’t like my move to Auckland. Back in December I was with my partner and his family and our friends from London. Here, I literally haven no one. And while that’s scary as all hell, it’s put me in a position of having to grow some damn girl balls. I’m couchsurfing – something I never thought I’d do in a million years. I’m calling up complete strangers and ordering them to have coffee with me. I’m asking anyone and everyone if they have friends in Australia I can meet up with.

Honestly, I feel like I’m dating. Like I’m those horribly desperate women from chick flicks who laughs hysterically at a man’s jokes, just hoping – praying – he’ll like them.

Except it’s with everyone.

And yes, that’s just as horrifying as it sounds.

What’s your experience like with making new friends? Do you stick with your old group? Make a concentrated effort for new ones? Or have you done something similar to yours truly and had to start from scratch?

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How I Use Facebook

by Marian Schembari on February 15, 2011

For a social media consultant, I’m pretty quiet about Facebook. The only posts I’ve written about the site are highly emotional, or revolve around my using Facebook ads to land a job two years ago.

The reason I rarely write about it is mostly because I try to relate everything back to personal experiences, stories and tips I’ve picked up along the way. I still offer services for Facebook and have built quite a few pages myself, but it’s one place online where I’m strictly anti-business.

Americans my age experienced Facebook when it was just a place for registered college students to connect. It’s how I met people before actually heading to Davidson freshman year. It’s where my future roommate and I fell in roommate love before ever meeting.

When they opened up Facebook to nonstudents (and then the world), it felt like we had lost something. Like the “exclusive” community of college students who actually posted their interests and didn’t have to link to “pages” was gone.

Now it’s a marketing tool. Now I’m connected to my mom and I had to take down that dirty application off my profile. Now listing “my dog” as an interest links to nothing.

I’m not anti-Facebook. There are some fabulous companies doing incredible things. It’s a wealth of information and you can still connect with your college buddies and post photos of that-night-you-don’t-want-anyone-to-know-about-but-secretly-do-cuz-you-look-sort-of-hot.

Why there isn’t a Marian Librarian page

Because my profile is private, you’d think I’d have a page for Marian Librarian. It’s not that it isn’t in the cards, I just don’t feel like updating one more social media profile. Plus, I don’t have anything new to offer you at the moment. Right now, the majority of the information I provide is on the blog. I send out a weekly newsletter answering your social media questions, my work history is on LinkedIn and my chit chats are on Twitter. I don’t have time to deal with another profile while also monitoring my client’s online presence. A girl needs her limits.

To be honest, it’s nice having one place that’s not work related. The only people I add on Facebook are either friends I’ve met in real-life or readers who’s names I recognize and am comfortable sharing my personal information with.

As you can see, I do share blog posts and promote myself on Facebook. I don’t have an absurd amount of friends but I get a decent amount of blog traffic through the profile and I think it’s just because I’m sharing the info with “real” friends and they click out of support and/or curiosity. Since I’d be sharing the same info just on a page and inviting my friends and people who already read my blog anyway – what’s the point?

It’s such a relief logging on and not NEEDING to say anything. I can find out what my college roommate is up to or photo stalk that girl I totally wanted to be in high school. I can keep an eye on my brothers even though they’re on the other side of the world. I don’t need to impress or be useful or make sure to post every day. I can log on when I want and say what I want. It’s the bare bones of what social media is all about, really.

How do you use Facebook? And do you have any questions for me? I promise to write about it more if I have a better idea of the kind information you want!

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Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve

by Marian Schembari on June 21, 2010

I have developed a love/hate relationship with Facebook. The hate stems from the fact that I’m really annoyed with the service at the moment… Mostly because my “interests” included “my muffin” (Desi), “pretty journals”, and a number of other random odds and ends that don’t really have a designated page so they have since been deleted. Plus, Mark Zuckerberg is an ass hat.

That aside, my loving and dear relationship with Facebook is way more personal. A relationship I’ve been struggling over addressing as it’s not my issue. This post has taken me over a month to write properly because there is no good way to blog about the death of a friend.

The Story

A little over a month ago I get a call from one of my oldest friends, Nicky. Dialogue is easier in this instance so here it goes:

Nicky: Have you seen Niki P’s Facebook profile?

Me: Um… Hi! What’s up?

Nicky: No, seriously. Have you seen it?

Me: No.

Nicky: I think we lost him.

Me: What do you mean lost him?

Nicky: Marian, I think he’s dead.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about? That’s ridiculous.

I then proceeded to look up Niki, the brother of my childhood best friend, Thana. His Facebook wall was littered with “RIP, bro’s” and “I miss you’s”. Then I Googled him. Nothing. No news, no explanation of what the hell had happened to this boy I’d known since he was five.

To be honest, I initially thought it was a joke. A sick joke, but this was a first for me. I couldn’t reach Thana, but her Facebook wall looked similar to her brothers. Lots of “you’re in my prayers” and “so sorry for your loss.”

Really? REALLY? Did I just find out that my best friend’s brother was dead through Facebook?

I got a text from Thana later that day confirming it was not, in fact, a joke. I still had no idea what happened but my friend was busy and most likely screwed up out of her mind, so the internet was the only connection to what is now one of the saddest days of my life.

Thana is a wonderful person and the two of us were attached at the hip as children. She moved to Croatia at 13 and we continued to be best friends, regardless of the distance. The problem with her Croatia location is that I can’t be there for her. One of my oldest and dearest friends is halfway across the world and I can’t do anything about it. So I used Facebook.

Niki and Thana Pavelic

The Love/Hate Relationship

Facebook. The brunt of many jokes; the confirmation that you are indeed “friends” or “in a relationship” with someone. A defining element of our generation. The website that can prevent you from getting a job (or get a you a job). The one presence in our lives that made privacy, well, totally optional.

I always saw Facebook as a necessary evil, but a month ago it became my comfort. The one thing I had of my friends that made me part of their grief instead of separated from it.

Finally, Google told me Niki died in a car/motorcycle accident, but I continued to stalk his Facebook profile. Friends started to write stories about him on his wall. One friend created a memorial video. Someone started a group that in a month has 490 members. People submitted photos and videos to a dedicated album.

Niki’s memorial service was in California, where he went to school. I unfortunately couldn’t be there, but Thana posted her father’s eulogy as a note on her profile.

Facebook may be a silliness attributed to our generation, but I realize now it has completely altered it. Facebook has, importantly, changed the way we grieve. It’s made it better. Easier. Well, as easy as grief can be.

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Is it just me, or have you experienced anything like this too? Stories of Facebook as more than just a frivolous social tool? And my weird curiosity has me wondering, what happens to someone’s profile when they die?

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