just for fun

8 Sentences to Immediately Cut From Your Twitter Bio

by Marian Schembari on January 6, 2011

Because of time constraints and the rash of horrible Twitter profiles lately, I’ve taken to only clicking on someone’s username if their bio looks interesting. While I may have already bitched about the eight reasons no one’s following you on Twitter, I want to take a deeper look into the specifics of The Bio.

8 Bio Mistakes to Avoid Like the Plague

1. “Mom of 3, Granny of 7, Wife of 1.”

If I had a nickle for every time I saw some version of this in a bio, well, I wouldn’t be writing this blog. Unless you’re a mommy blogger, we couldn’t care less. While I’m sure your kids are supremely awesome, if you’re using Twitter for professional reasons, you’ve basically told us the reason we should follow you isn’t for your work, but your family.

2. “Lover of Jesus Christ.”

I hesitate to mention this, but it’s the truth: Unless you’re a minister or religious blogger, shouting about your love of God and prayers to the Lord is going to do one thing: Alienate those who don’t share your beliefs.

3. “I love poodles, am an antique doorknob collector, like to play with fire, have read 27 books today and my room is entirely pink.”

To be honest, I’ve seen a few profiles that list irrelevant facts like this that I actually like. However, if you’re hoping to build a network in your field or want to generate blog traffic, no one cares about your antique doorknob collection. Unless, of course, you’re crushing it via your blog about antique doorknobs.

4. “I want to share my marketing ideas with YOU!”

Anything about making us better online and/or social media bullshit ls just lame and completely unoriginal. If you’re a social media guru, awesome, just try to find some fresh language to liven up your profile and make it actually appealing.

5. “Follow me @TylerH, @TylerHardy, @Tyler_Movies and @TylerAndYourMom.”

Listen, if you tweet about horses at @ILovePonies as well as @JaneDoe, by all means, list that handle. If you have another blog, mention it. HOWEVER, I came across a profile today that actually listed 5 different accounts, meaning there was no room to actually tell us who he was. Someone please explain the point of that to me?

6. “I Like To Capitalize Every Letter.”

Folks, Twitter is not a sales letter and if you’re a yoga instructor and a ballerina and a blogger don’t say something stupid like: I Am A Yoga Instructor, Ballerina And Blogger. THESE ARE NOT PROPER NOUNS AND UNLESS THERE ARE PERIODS AFTER EACH WORD PLEASE USE LOWER CASE.

7. “Follow me pweeze!”

Please PLEASE don’t ask people to follow you or say something like, “I just wanna meet people” or “Love developing relationships online!” Vomit. And desperate much?

8.”Life is like a box of chocolates ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥”

Avoid quotes, complete nonsense no one will understand, improper grammar and any sort of image that makes it hard to read the actual content (i.e., hearts/music notes/flags).

2 Things You May Want to Include Instead

1. A discount code or helpful download. See my post about M-Edge and why offering some sort of present to potential followers can help spread your Awesome far and wide.

2. A relatable “irrelevant fact.” If you’re a dietitian, it’s okay to mention that you love cookie dough ice cream. Random facts can be great as they make you a more well rounded tweep, just try not to make your whole profile about said facts. Then you’re just a jumble of words and we can’t differentiate you from all the other millions of folks out there.

Now, I’m considering developing this post into more of a “step-by-step tips to a better Twitter profile” as a sort of “super cheap or free guide slash workbook” to help you guys build or improve your profiles. Raise your hand if you’d be interested!!

Also, up next week: I give you the insider’s tour to what it’s like to work with yours truly. An awesome client has agreed to let me show you the before and after of her Twitter profile! Get pumped.

{Photo credit 1} {Photo credit 2}

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Conversation Starter: How do you feel about pimping?

by Marian Schembari on December 15, 2010

We’ve all seen it. We all bitch about it. We’ve all probably done it. Internet Pimping, however, is difficult to define and we all tend to get frustrated with different methods of promotion.

Yesterday, Bret Juliano asked me and a few other folks, “What’s the border-line between self-promo and spam?”

Erika Napoletano said, “I think it’s dictated by your audience. But being respectful with people is tops.”

I responded, “I’m not sure that’s something you can clearly define in a tweet! I know it when I see it.”

It’s something I’m always thinking about though. I used to think newsletters were obnoxious and now I have one. I used to hate (and still often do) when folks linked to blog posts on LinkedIn and that’s now a major source of my traffic. I would roll my eyes when bloggers would ask for a retweet, but I’m realizing that sometimes asking is the only way you’re ever going to get anything. God, I used to even think a blog was too narcissistic to even consider and now it’s my job!

Basically, the internet has changed my views on what’s  spammy, ineffective or just downright good business.

When someone leaves a comment here blatantly asking for me to visit their site, I want to scream But when they leave a thoughtful comment and sneak in a link to a relevant post of theirs? It’s suddenly okay. Especially when it’s from a name I recognize.

So I’m having a hard time deciding where the line is between “spam” and “hey-it’s-okay-promotion.” At the end of the day though, I do know it when I see it. It’s not in that form-written sales letter. Or in those tweets with no discernible merit outside of pimping the tweeter. Spam is spam is spam but it’s usually the ignorant or the desperate who push self-promo too hard.

Hence, a CONVERSATION STARTER. Where do you guys stand on internet pimping? Where do you draw the line?

The last Convo I “started” was awesomesauce, but I really want all y’all to join in here. So if I ask you to tweet this out and share your thoughts, is that crossing the line? Or is it under my rights as a blogger who just wants her post seen?

I’ll let you decide…

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How 5 Stores Can Creatively Use Social Media

by Marian Schembari on December 14, 2010

Lately, I haven’t been able to shut off my brain. Since I’ve been slowly expanding into helping all creatives with social media, I’m constantly on the lookout for how other kinds of businesses can be kicking their butt into social gear.

And since I have this dream of owning my own shop one day, part of my dorky fantasies include how I would market my own brick and mortar business. So every time I go into a crazy cool coffee shop or empty boutique I always think, “Dudes! I bet you a million dollars you’d get more business if you got online.”

In the next few months I’ll be launching a service specifically designed for stores, but in the meantime, some of the ideas I’ve had:

The Fashion Boutique

I was looking in this beautiful shop window in Auckland and the saleswoman was just sitting in the corner reading. The store was completely dead. What if, during employee’s free time, they created an outfit from store clothing and tweeted out a photo? The store could create a basic blog where information for each ensemble was available, along with a little blurb on why they chose the pairing? People would go to the site specifically for fashion advice or to see the day’s outfit. Fashion bloggers have been doing this crazy successfully for years. Why not transfer that idea over to a store that could actually make direct money from it?

The Craft Store

This wasn’t an idea I had at all, but is recognition of a New York craft store that is ROCKING it. I can’t remember how I found the purl bee, but I read their blog, which is chock full of craft ideas they’ve dreamed up and offer.. FOR FREE. I don’t need to buy their book or sign up for a newsletter, they just give it. And when I stumbled across a project I really liked? You can bet your ass I trekked down to their Soho store to buy the fabric I needed directly from them.

The Art Gallery

I’ve mentioned Wooden Stone Gallery a few times, but it’s a medium-sized functional art gallery I worked in during my Sophomore year of collage. The jewelry buyer, Charlotte, told me stories of the store’s jewelery – info about the artists, what they were doing with their lives, how a piece was made – during slow hours. Not only do I know a lot about jewelery now, but I bought a fair bit from Wooden Stone because I felt a connection with the artists that made it.

I’d love WS – or any small art store for that matter – to create a YouTube channel where they’d just talk for 5 minutes about their stuff in a non-promotional way. Just sharing the stories of the work. Or, they could encourage the artists themselves to take us on a video tour of their studio. Art lovers would watch it just for the art appreciation, artists and designers would watch to learn and buyers would watch because it’s just so much more interesting than browsing. And how much more likely would you be to then support Wooden Stone and said artists? A million bajillion times, that’s how much.

The Fitness Center

I’ve recently landed a client who’s a celebrity trainer and have been brainstorming ways fitness coaches can use the multimedia aspects of the web. Everything from quick video clips to daily Twitter tips to photos of yoga poses can all be really great ways to inspire folks to take your advice.

But what if a local gym did this? Used FourSquare to reward me for checking in, making me to promote them and use the gym more. They could posted videos of their classes and give out email fitness tips to highlight their expertise. This would encourage folks to join their fitness center over their competitors.

The Salon

W already know Yelp and FourSquare can help get clients in the door, but whenever I look for a hairdresser in a new city, I’m bombarded with 10-20 option with 4 stars and I know a lot of those reviews must be staff (I worked at a place that forced employees write tons of positive reviews, FYI). I’d be so much more likely to book a session with someone who did before and after shots of clients or gave step-by-step instructions on how to acheive a look at home. You could even do this with manicures, makeovers, etc.

Loyal customers at smaller places tend to be more open to having their photos plastered on the interwebs because it’s like being on TV and they can send the post or tweet to all their friends (further promoting the store). If clients do hesitate, offer a 15% discount on their next visit if they agree to before and after shots.

I’m sure plenty of stores are already doing a lot of this, but I wish there was some way I could convince the slow ones to step outside their comfort zone. But if you have a favorite shop that’s using social media effectively, share with us! I love seeing small businesses rock out when they might have otherwise been failing.

Also, if you’re a store owner and reading this? My newest service might not be live, but you’ll probably get a ridiculous discount if you get in touch with me now.

{Photo credit 1} {Photo credit 2}

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Jobs I’ve Had. Weird that two of them feature s-e-x.

by Marian Schembari on December 2, 2010

Despite my age, I’d been around the block a few times before “settling into” my career as a social media consultant. When I was 14 my mom told me I wasn’t allowed to sit around the house during summer so I was forced to take a 15-hour per week gig at her friend’s office. I’ve, unfortunately, been working ever since. For the past ten years I’ve been everything from a camp counselor to a hand model to a kinky baker. Oh, yes. Read on…

Retail “professional” a sex museum

No, not that kind of a professional, you pervert. This was actually the most recent of my jobs as I needed a way to subsidize my income while starting off into the freelance world. I was only there for a few months but… well… what can I say? There are some interesting people in the world. No judgments, I promise. I’m the last person who gets uncomfortable with that kind of stuff.

To be honest though? Significantly less exciting than you would think. Lots of sitting in the basement checking coats, then giving back coats to visitors who forgot a camera in the pocket. Lots of saying the same things over and over and over again to tourists who didn’t understand a word that I was saying. Lots of non-sex related boredom.

Cashier at an art gallery

Here’s the thing: I actually really like retail. If you’re in the right place you get to play with cool stuff all day and talk to people. Sure, there’s a little cleaning and tedium involved but I highly enjoyed working at Wooden Stone Gallery in Davidson, NC. They have the coolest stuff for sale there and the other folks working there were beyond lovely. I was even invited to spend Easter Sunday with one of my coworkers when she realized I had nowhere else to go. Too cute.

Baker at a kinky cake shop

This is the job I talk about at parties as there was nothing else like it. I took the job so I could hone my baking skills and since it was run out of the owner’s home I didn’t need any kind of culinary degree. And oh, did we bake. Cupcakes that looked like breasts, gingerbread men wearing assless chaps and/or with ball gags in their mouths, cookies with “spank me” written in cheerfully colored icing.

I loved the baking. Who cared what I was baking, as long as I was paid to cook?

It was when my boss requested I attend an “event” that it got really interesting. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what this event was for. There was music and stalls and lots and lots of naked people. Like, just walking around. But they weren’t the distracting ones. It was the woman dressed up in only a gladiator skirt and chains, being walked around on a leash. And the guy strapped to some kind of torture table. And the hastily written posters on every wall saying “Please. No wanking.” At least they liked the cupcakes.

Waitress

While not the most interesting job on the planet, everyone should have service industry experience. I’m the best restaurant customer in the world because of my time working at a Tex-Mex restaurant in London. Why I thought – as a die-hard vegetarian – that was a good idea is beyond me. But it was an experience I will remember until the day I die.

Sure, people are assholes and you should always tip, but the hardest part, was simply doing my damn job. It’s hard! I thought my feet were broken the first day on the job seeing as I had been standing for 14 hours. It was the remembering orders for 10 tables at a time and splitting the bill and learning how to run a tab at the bar. It was the fact that I had to work weekends and holidays and sometimes my bosses just wouldn’t pay us and I was technically making £2 per hour and you literally do survive on tips.

Waiting tables still is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. So tip your waitress, folks. I bet you $100 her job is harder than yours.

Sleep and hand model

These “modeling” gigs were actually part of my high school job as an assistant at a yoga music and DVD company. Brilliant job, brilliant boss, just brilliant all around. After a year or so working there my bosses requested I take part in some photos they were taking for the cover of a massage DVD. I think the images came out pretty well, if I do say so myself. Look at my pretty hands…

But wait! There’s more. A few months later my bosses were putting together some promo for a new product to help students meditate and nap during the day. A surprisingly cool kit, I might add. Anyhoodle, my handsome mug is featured in two places on the site.

And what, do you ask, was I doing? I was fake sleeping. Whilst smiling.

Oh hell yes.

What about you guys? Weirdest job you’ve had?

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A Jargon-Free Interview: Erica Reitman of Effed in Park Slope

by Marian Schembari on November 30, 2010

Do you know what I’m bored of? Social media bogs that interview people who are in  social media. Not that they’re not useful, but I find the information just teaches us out to blog about blogging.

What if you write a blog about bird watching? Or hula hooping? Or cupcakes?

What if you write a blog about, say, Brooklyn?

Then this is the interview for you.

(Well, it’s for you if you want advice from real people using social media and not boring “experts” like yours truly…)

Fucked in Park Slope is a ridiculously popular blog that features laugh-out-loud posts and the kind of snark that makes Mama proud. The second I saw it I knew I had to harass talk to editor Erica Reitman for my brand-new series interviewing folks who ROCK at blogging. And guess what? They don’t blog about blogging.

So without further ado, my new internet bestie Erica gives you insight into FIPS, Twitter, managing more than one blog and the benefits of not blogging for a living…

The Basics

First of all, who are you?

I’m just some 30-something, smart aleck-y chick who tells it like it is [my kind of girl!]. I never really believed I could be a writer (and if I’m being really honest, I’m *still* surprised by the fact that anyone actually cares about what I have to say), but I discovered through blogging that I CAN ACTUALLY DO THIS SHIT. Well kinda… it’s still pretty friggin’ hard. I’m married to a cool dude and we have a cool Basset Hound named Oliver.

How did you get into blogging? What prompted FIPS and Design Blahg?

I started FIPS two years ago with a friend who also lives in our leafy, Brooklyn neighborhood. Not sure if your readers have ever heard of Park Slope, but some crazy-ass stuff goes on down here: People bring their babies to bars, everyone works in this big Food Coop and parents get into days long fights over the assumption that a navy blue hat might belong to a boy. We felt like the opportunity was ripe to start our blog that took on the neighborhood in a more bad ass way. Four hours after we posted our first blog entry, we had been picked up by all of the big NYC blogs and the rest is history.

I started Design Blahg this March because I’m obsessed with interior design, and felt like there was, again, a void in that world that I needed to fill with a snarky, curse-y, funny blog that also happened to be about design. That one has been slower in terms of traffic and popularity, but it was a good reminder that stuff ain’t always so easy when you’re starting out.

Why two blogs? How do you function by keeping them both up? AND three Twitter accounts?

While I love FIPS, I can’t exactly convince you with a straight face that I’m passionate about Park Slope news, or ranting about the Stroller Nazi. I love design and read all of the blogs out there, but just felt no one was quite doing it like I’d do it. So, voila, Design Blahg.

The audiences for both sites are so completely different, I needed separate Twitter accounts. And believe it or not, I actually have FIVE (though one is not active anymore and I barely use the fourth one).

Are these sites your full-time work?

BWHHAHHHHHAAAAHHHHHA. Um, no.

I’m a Marketing Director at Squarespace, which is a rad web publishing platform that you should all sign up for (use code ERICA for 10% off!). Really, its all sorts of fab. And I can say that because I came to the company AFTER becoming a gigantic fan . Plus, they pay me way better than blogging.

How do you monetize the blogs?

In version 2.0 of FIPS we’re thinking more  about monetizing. We’ve always had a steady stream of advertisers, so I’m excited to see what’s gonna go down! I’ve also started some side gigs, like doing singles events (check out BK Hookup for more on that). On Design Blahg I starting working with Carbonads, and so far so good!

Do you have staff or is it just you? Contributors?

I’m lucky enough to have a bunch of great writers who help me run both blogs. Thing are getting so busy with FIPS though, I might be at the point where I actually need to hire an editor. Its amazing to have the extra help and our writers all rule my face EXTREMELY hard.

Some “Rapid Fire” Qs Y’all Should Read Because You Can Learn Things

Favorite social media site:

Twitter, twitter and more Twitter. I’m not sure I’d have any friends without it. I’ve gotten soooooo much from my involvement with Twitter, if nothing good ever happened again, I’d still be ahead of the game.

Any cool things that have cropped up because of social media?

Here’s a short list:

  • A freelance writing gig for MTV
  • A real job at Squarespace
  • A real job teaching blogging at Mediabistro here in NYC
  • A million billion cool friends
  • Countless biz opportunities and connections
  • Another side biz
  • MONEY
  • Speaking opportunities at conferences
  • Getting free shit (from people who love/read my blog)
  • Connections with people I would have been terrified to connect with on my own (politicians, journalists, and even some pseudo celebs).

Best Twitter tip (generic, bull-shit, jargon advice is greatly discouraged):

When starting off, build up a week or so’s worth of tweets BEFORE you follow anyone. Yes, you will feel like you are talking to yourself, but tweet like you have thousands of followers and drop all sorts of juicy twittage. Then you can let loose and start following people. Cause if you follow me, and I go back to your profile and there’s nothing there, I’m just Audi 5000.

Best Facebook tip:

Ditch it for Twitter.

Best blogging tip:

Take a half a day on the weekend and schedule some posts so you can lighten your load during the week. Also use Link Within or Outbrain. Since I added that to my blog I’ve increased page views by a kajillion.

How do you learn about social media?

I follow 200+ blogs in my RSS reader and I work Twitter like its my job.

Worst part about blogging:

Think of your available spare time as the water that comes out of the kitchen sink and your blog as the drain. All the water in your kitchen sink eventually goes into the drain, right? Any questions?

Best part about blogging:

The fact that I can go back and look at TWO SOLID YEARS of posting every single day. That’s proof I actually am a writer. BOOYAH.

So there you have it, folks. Erica is my new internet love and you should follow her on Twitter here. And here. And here. Enjoy!

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